April 2010
1 post
“It’s pretty bad when the best thing you can hope for is that your history...”
December 2009
3 posts
Despite the stress I am doing okay, but sometimes I get the feeling that I’m just passing through. It’s hard to feel like you’re a part of something when you’re doing everything you can to ensure you have a future far away.
“The essence of poetry is will and passion.”
– William Hazlitt
Trig Class Poem
We made time To sputter and die, To whisper away into oblivion Uncertainty and obscurity. We made time to fade Into the annals of history. I knew you once, Trembling and alive In transient, breathing wonder. I miss you silently. It might seem I am replacing you easily With new experiences and vulnerabilities. But I love you more than it would seem.
November 2009
2 posts
Update
It’s been 3 weeks since my last confession.
Since then:
I lost my job
my cousin is having a baby
I did fine on a history test
Band made ACC’s
We came in 7th out of 7
I wrote two poems
I changed my mind about someone
Mike Walker almost pushed me off a trampoline
I fought loneliness
I missed my friends
Harmonic Practice in Tonal Music and other stories
High school is a sinkhole of human emotion and brainless work.
Except the musical, magical parts where I get to create something awesome.
October 2009
2 posts
I need to finish this DBQ. I haven’t the will. I feel like I could be doing something much more interesting, fulfilling, just better.
Why do I waste my time?
I’m barely hanging on, and It’s just as bad for me as it is for everyone else. I’m just a bit better at faking it.
September 2009
5 posts
All it took was that one ride home in your van to show me how different things have become between us. I guess it’s a good thing. I don’t know.
I remember when twenty seemed so old. Most of my close friends are going to be twenty in the next two months, if they aren’t already. It’s all very strange to me, in a way that turning ten or sixteen or eighteen isn’t at...
These are the outskirts of town. Everything I’ve ever feared, but I love it, love the way I can be so free and easy without even trying to be. A summer song plays and my hair flicks into my face as we fly through the Indian summer air. I should have outgrown this long ago, but I can’t help it, it’s just so easy. It’s innocent and beautiful and familiar. It’s...
I couldn’t possibly have imagined this turbulence a month ago.
The things I held in my hands are now slipping slowly but surely away from me as I continue to judge and accuse. Yet other bits of life fall into place as easily as breathing. Too bad none of the things that come easily actually mean anything. The only bright spot in this trying and sad day is a reconstructed friendship,...
This isn’t spring.
This is the opposite of spring. Things are dying, diappearing, falling away.
And yet things are beginning to fall into place, which leads me to believe it’s also a time for new beginnings, for starting over. If only I knew exactly what that meant for me, for this city, for this nation.
I sort of miss knowing for sure.
The Reason Why
by Rachael Yamagata
I think about how it might have been We’d spend out days travelin’ It’s not that I don’t understand you It’s not that I don’t want to be with you But you only wanted me The way you wanted me So, I will head out alone, hope for the best And we hang our heads down As we skip the goodbyes And you can tell the world what you want them...
August 2009
8 posts
I’m sorry you never got a chance to get to know me for who I really am and not just what other people say about me. It’s really a great loss. We could have been friends. You’re friends with my friends, and not with me? These are people I have known for years. You’re a sophomore. You still have a lot to learn about how we do things.
It’s not that, as you say, I...
Shit List
Broken Cordless Work Phone
Rain
Broken Umbrella
Wet Trash
Wet Sandals
Wet Towels
Home from Band Camp.
CRASH.
Lately I’m sorry about a lot of things. Loving you’s not one of them. Thanks for sticking with me.
“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
– Lewis Carroll
Seems like nothing’s a secret.
I can’t even go on vacation without my mother finding out from someone else. If she cares enough to be in my life, if she wants me to tell her where I’m going and what I’m doing, then she’ll find a way to make herself into a functioning member of society instead of a useless, prying, life-ruiner.
Pisses me off.
I wish people would...
July 2009
9 posts
Fall to Pieces, by Patsy Cline
Country the way...
How Apologies are like Sweaters
Apologies don’t really change anything. Things are the way they are and being sorry about them might make people feel better for a little while, but in the end the past is the past, and what’s ahead of you time will tell.
The thing about a sweater is it keeps you warm while you’re wearing it but it doesn’t make you forget that you were cold when you put it on and that...
New Shit List
Pennies. They’re fucking everywhere.
People who insist on using a gift card to pay tip.
Dryer lint on dark clothing.
Whitaker Center Starbucks (poor excuse for a Starbucks)
The brown sparkly wallet no one wants to buy that won’t stand up in the window.
50 cent raise < dollar raise.
Downtown News’s failure to stock enough Diet Coke in bottles.
French pedicures that cost...
Shit List
People who are constantly late. Fucking be on time!
People who only get mini pedicures Spring for the full one. Just this once!
People who shoot people on Second Street. Please take that shit to Green and Muench, where it belongs!
The frozen food truck driver that was late delivering food to Jared’s job and caused him to get up early for nothing, and his boss who didn’t tell him...
How to Eat in Harrisburg
Restaurant Reviews for Everything you Could Possibly Want, all in Downtown Harrisburg, PA By: Yours Truly
Despite having no decent coffee bar, Harrisburg does have a few standout dining establishments, some better known than others.
Best Pizza Palumbo’s, 2nd Street, next to the Old Spot Everything here is awesome, from their plain cheese to their specialty pizza. My personal faves include...
i can haz Delaware Seashore State Park? kthxbye.
Fantastic weekend. Complete with complications.
The beach was amazing. Camping with my friends was amazing. Everybody fighting was… not amazing, but hey, you can’t have everything.
I had some really great one-on-one time with old friends, some awesome RENT marathons in the car, and some of the best stargazing ever.
N and K’s breakup makes things a bit difficult. So far the...
Fuck you, rain.
We’re having a bonfire come hell or (more likely) high water.
Customer Service
Me: Hi, can I help you with something?
Woman: [mumbles through cookies and cream ice cream] I have an appointment at 2.
Me: Are you Clara?
Woman: Yeah.
Me: If you come back this way I can get your water started.
Woman: [following] I need some change for the parking meter.
Me: I can only give you a dollar's worth because the bank closes soon and the change we have has to last us until next week.
Woman: Well, that's par for the course.
Me: I can feed your meter if you'd like to get started.
Woman: No.
Me: ummm. Okay.
Fifteen Minutes Later
Woman: Never mind, I got a ticket.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry.
Woman: Here's your quarters back.
Me: Thanks.
Woman: WHERE'S MY DOLLAR?
Me: Oh, I'm so sorry, here.
Five Minutes Later
Woman: Aren't you going to CUT my nails?
Boss: I'm filing them because they're short, and if I cut them shorter the cuticle under the nail will puff out and make it hard to polish.
Woman: Every other pedicure I've ever had, they cut my nails.
Boss: [blithely continues without speaking]
Ten Minutes Later
Woman: What's the difference between a full pedicure and a mini pedi?
Me: Well, a mini pedi only takes half an hour but you don't get the foot scrub or the massage. Full pedicure takes an hour.
Woman: That wasn't even 60 minutes.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry.
45 Seconds Later
Woman: [points to merchant slip on the desk next to a use gift card] Is that mine?
Me: No, but I can print you one if you'd like.
Woman: That wasn't what I was asking.
Me: Well, when the gift cards are empty we keep them because we re-use...
Woman: I wasn't asking to keep it!!
Me: Oh, I'm sorry.
Woman: [stares menacingly, then leaves]
Boss: What's her name?
Me: Clara.
Boss: [Abruptly leaves to chase after her.]
Me: [WTF?]
Boss: [Returns, red-faced and agitated] She's not coming back here again.
Me: WHA?
Boss: I told her never to come in my store again. She was extremely rude. I'm, like, shaking.
Me: Can I cry now?
Boss: Umm. I guess.
N.J.: That ghetto bitch.
June 2009
6 posts
Tested
I think that the struggles I’ve been experiencing for the last few months all came to a head tonight when I realized that I have a lot to lose. And time will tell whether this isn’t only the right choice for you, but the right choice for me. I know you are trying to understand. I respect that, and know that respect is an integral part of our friendship-in-repair. I love you more...
Requent response to every question:
Oh why not, it’s the summer!
And yes, I am very happy about it. :)
Tuesday was one of the best days I’ve had in awhile. I can only hope for more of the same tonight and for the rest of summer.
If only it would stop raining.
I’ve been told these are the best years of my life. Right now, I’d buy that. It’s been that good. I might be crazy, but this is how I always hoped it would be. Except I don’t have a car. But really,...
I’m looking forward to tomorrow and to seeing Mer on Tuesday.
Today just took waaaay toooooo loooooong.
Tentative schedule
Wednesday
Work 10 - 3 Band Practice 6 - 9
Thursday
Off Dinner with Lisa and Thomas in evening
Friday
Work 10 - 4 Chill downtown for a couple hours HNJ Festival in evening
Saturday
Work 10 - 4 Shakespeare in the Park 7:30 - 10-ish
Sunday
Graduation Party for Emilia
Okazaki fragments.
ha.
May 2009
3 posts
There’s far too much drama in this world and I have neither the energy nor the will to cope with it for too much longer. I mean, we’ve all heard rumors, but this is getting ridiculous. I am especially frustrated by people who think I can’t deal with this on my own, make my own choice. I don’t have to care what you think, and I’m getting a little tired of listening...
Love the one you're with (a prose poem)
I guess it’s worth it to feel complete Worth the sacrifice of attachment The sense of permanence that oozes from every layer of our conversation. Worth the weight gained in stress and the the rude things we’ve said in anger. I guess it’s worth the awkward silences and the forbidden flirting And one imperfect night of unadulterated passions I pretend to regret. I savor the...
April 2009
8 posts
I can’t wait for April to be over. The end of the month always seems like such a waste. Also, I’m really craving a Subway Cafe pizza.
To Do List
1. Buy prom dress
2. Pick out music for Pops Concert
3. Write Economics debrief
4. Turn in History paper from 2 weeks ago
5. Finish English poetry project
6. Return library books to State Library
7. Return library books to McD Library
8. Wash and dry uniforms
9. Call boss to determine work schedule for the summer
10. Get haircut
11. Study for AP Biology Exam
12. Stay sane
...
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately.
What could possibly have me pissed enough to walk out of Science Olympiad without any kind of explanation? Who would have thought that something as silly as prom could move me to tears? Why can’t I just smile and let it go? I don’t understand why I am so easily upset. I have never been this way before. It’s beginning to...
Home
When you look into my eyes And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul It always comes as a surprise When I feel my withered roots begin to grow. Well I never had a place That I could call my very own But that’s all right my love Cuz you’re my home. When you touch my weary head And you tell me everything will be all right You say, “use my body for your bed and my love will keep you...
I freak myself out way bad.
But I do get to do the song for the preview assembly, which means it must be good.
On a different note: I hate the way I laugh. I sound obnoxious and I don’t mean to be that way. I want to be the kind of person that people want around. Is it too late for that? I feel like I’m in the way a lot of the time. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. ...
I can’t deny it anymore.
You’re on my mind. I don’t like it. But I’m letting you stay there. Kicking you out would feel all wrong. I like being near you. I just wish it weren’t so difficult to compose myself, stay strong, stay committed. I haven’t wavered yet. Still I worry that I might. One misstep, one hand wrongly placed on your shoulder or in your...
It is Sunday, 5 April, 2009.
Our toaster oven caught fire this morning. Now our house smells like burnt plastic. My father ate his bread untoasted.
He says I talk too much.
I can’t really blame him.
I can’t help but think that Cousin Fiorenzo is right: E meglio che tu stai zitto. (It’s better if you shut up.) He has a way with words. Penso di si.
Actually, it comes to me...
“Bomont? Where the hell is Bomont?”
– Chicago Dancers, Footloose!
Emotion is not always weakness. Often I feel it is the greatest of strengths. Emotions give you a reason to want to escape, to grow. If I didn’t feel cold and alienated and unlovable then there would be no reason for me to be afraid. Without fear, there is no vulnerability. To be vulnerable is to be beautiful. Beautiful things are easily ruined, easily scarred. Consistantly stepped on...
March 2009
7 posts
Do I dare... or do I dare?
There’s so much I should do.
And yet.
I don’t want to do any of it.
What I do want to do is tell the truth. I feel little, and lonely, and ugly. And expendable. And somehow I think I deserve more than what I have? I contradict myself. I feel things I shouldn’t about people I shouldn’t. The rules are simple and finite and impossible to follow. I wish I could tell you...
Research Paper.
Due.
Tomorrow.
UGH.