I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately.
What could possibly have me pissed enough to walk out of Science Olympiad without any kind of explanation? Who would have thought that something as silly as prom could move me to tears? Why can’t I just smile and let it go? I don’t understand why I am so easily upset. I have never been this way before. It’s beginning to frighten me.
I am worried about going crazy. I mean legitimately crazy, and legitimately afraid of it. I worry about cracking up like my mother, like her mother. I worry that no one will notice, or that they won’t do anything if they do. I worry they’ll treat me like I’m treating her. I worry a lot about depression. I worry that one day things will go all wrong and I’ll end up jumping off of something or with a foreign projectile in my brain. I do worry about these things. I lay awake at night thinking about them.
And so I guess I am learning to be silent. I guess I’m not bringing things up. And I guess other people don’t have the first clue about the difference between dysfunction and abuse. Footloose is a show designed to make you feel better about your life. Now it just makes me wonder what I’ve been doing wrong, why I haven’t stood for more than “getting by.”
I need therapy.
I don’t know why no one believes me when I tell them that. I think it’s because they’re intimidated by the fact that someone as “normal” as me might need therapy. They worry they might need some, too. And you know what?
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt.
